Day 3 (and the start of Day 4)

Yesterday was Day 3 of my 15 days of radio silence.   If you are not aware of what I’m talking about, I’ll give you a quick summary now.

I’m going through a break up with an Amazing Woman that I love and respect.  She was perfect in every way, but our long term plans and our primary activities didn’t match up well.  She is passionate about Yoga (she’s an instructor), and I’m not.  I am passionate about cycling, skiing, and travelling – she’s not.  Sure we could have worked out ways to be together at some of the events, but overall if she’s not interested in attending a cycling event with me (or a triathlon)… and I’m not interested in Yoga retreats – I think that we would end up spending a lot of time apart.  That’s tough for even the best of relationships.  I also have some big trips coming up (1 month road trip with my son in August of 2015 – Tanzania for 4-6 weeks to climb Kilimanjaro and to Volunteer in Feb or March of 2016 – Rio for the Olympics in July of 2016) and those are just the big ones.  Throw in the fact I plan to train for and run the Boston Marathon and still have a long term goal of qualifying for Kona (or winning a slot).  I also like to do impromptu trips (skiing in the winter – which she does not do) and trips to Portland to see my family.  I take about 1 trip per year to Denver for a little skiing and to visit my friends.  The majority of these trips are not trips that my girlfriend ex-girlfriend would have very much fun on (except for maybe the Rio trip).

It totally sucks to break up with someone when you love and respect them so much.  Sarah loved me more than any other woman ever has.  It felt GREAT to be loved so much.  She supported me in every venture I did – even watching my son for an entire week when I did my trip to Tanzania last year to work for the charity I volunteer with.  She watched my dog for a weekend so I could go skiing in Whistler (the last weekend we were together).  When I was with her, I could feel her love and I loved that feeling.

Getting used to be single again is a tough transition.  Prior to meeting and falling for Sarah, I LOVED being single.  I was never lonely when I was home all alone.  Post breakup (especially last week) was a horrible experience.  The only time I have ever felt that lonely was after my ex-wife and I split up.  Last week (the first week we were apart) I mostly drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little lot of marijuana.  I would find myself jumping on Facebook (not to stalk Sarah but more searching for companionship with my other friends by staying connected).  What kept happening over and over was I would see a post that Sarah liked or a comment she made and then I would click on her profile, go to her pictures, and look through all the pictures from last summer.  Seeing these pictures and all the fun we had would only make me miss her more – which made me have another glass of wine.  Not a good cycle to be in!

I realized I was just covering up / masking my feelings and not dealing with them.  Fortunately (due to many years of soul searching / learning about myself) I realized that what I was doing was going to make this a longer, more difficult process so I decided, after 1 final weekend of partying that ended with me getting a STUPID ASS tattoo, that I was going to do 15 days of what I call “radio silence so I could focus on my life and get started moving on.  Best decision ever!

Radio Silence means that I’m staying off Facebook.  I refuse to look at Facebook or text Sarah for 15 days (the amount of time it takes to break a habit).   On day 1 – I went through my house and CLEANED LIKE CRAZY.  Part of this cleaning was removing all things “Sarah” that were in my house.  I took all the pictures, gifts, little items, candles etc and put them in the closet.  I did a little work that day – but not much.  It was very much a mental health day.

Day 2 I got more focused on work.  I was CRAZY tempted to go to the bar that night.  I was lonely and wanted company, but I toughed it out and stayed home and watched a little T.V.

Day 3 was yesterday and it was a weird day.  I actually woke up at 5:00 a.m. after a dream about Sarah.  In the dream I was at a bar with friends and I saw Sarah at the other end of the bar.  The dream took place in present day – so it was awkward to run into her.  I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, but as you could imagine, Sarah was all that was on my mind.  I missed her greatly.  You see, I used to text her “good morning my darling” first thing in the a.m..  Rather than lie there in bed and torture myself with wanting to text her or jump on Facebook just to see her picture, I decided to get my ass out of bed and go to a spin class.  I’ve learned over the years that exercising makes me feel better and clears my head. But for some reason this spin class did not help in the way I’d hoped it would.  My mind kept going back to Sarah and then I kept reliving things that happened (not bad) in the relationship.  I kept torturing myself by telling myself that I hadn’t done enough of the little things (dropping notes, sending flowers, leaving messages that I love her) to make her feel special and that I should have.  Then somewhere around the 45 minute mark I stopped!  I decided that enough was enough.  I can’t do this.  It’s ridiculous.  The fact is that it wasn’t any one thing and no one is to blame.  It was a mutual breakup.  There was just something missing.  That extra little something that those who find true love have that Sarah and I couldn’t have.  It doesn’t matter why it wasn’t there, it’s just wasn’t.  It was a great moment of clarity.

I went home and, after breakfast, a shower, and a cup of coffee, started work (I’m a self employed web designer/developer and work out of my hosue).  I was having trouble focusing (my mind was still a little on Sarah but not as bad as the early morning hours) but then I had a phone call with a client (to show them their new website I had finished).  This is when great things started happening.  After that call, I had another call with my advertising consultant at Google (I also run Pay Per Click ad’s for my clients) so Google likes to help me optimized those campaigns.  It was during this call that EVERYTHING CHANGED.  I was learning about something new (with Google AdWords) and my mind cleared and I suddenly was 100% focused on what I was doing.  I LOVE learning new things about my job.  Especially when those new things will help my clients get a better R.O.I. on the money they spend.

Anyways – I was suddenly crazy focused on what I was doing and I didn’t think about Sarah once the rest of the day!  This clarity remained until about 7 pm when I stopped working so I could cook dinner for my son and myself.  Then the loneliness crept back in.  Then I started missing Sarah.  I quickly realized that it’s the morning’s and the evenings that are the worst.  The hours when I have nothing to do.  The evenings when Sarah would normally be at my house, or me at hers.  When we would crack a bottle of wine while I was cooking us dinner and we’d just talk a little.  These are the worst times.  I miss her when I’m sitting alone in my living room watching T.V. because I wish she was beside me so I could feel her presence and be with her.  I think that’s why last week was so hard, because my son was with his mother all week and I literally had NO ONE in the house during these times.  It was easy to smoke a bowl, drink some wine, and watch a movie to take my mind off of Sarah.

Well last night was different.  When that feeling of loneliness crept in, I acknowledged it (by literally saying to myself “ok, you are lonely, what are you going to do about it?”).  Then I asked my son if he would go for a walk with me.  He asked “where are we going” and I said I didn’t know – I just wanted to walk.  I explained to him why (I’m using this opportunity to teach my son about emotions and how to deal with the ones that make you feel sad in a healthy way) and he said “sure”.  It instantly perked me up.  We started walking and decided to walk to the local grocery store.  We picked up a couple items and then took the long way home.  We talked and cracked the stupid jokes that only him and I get.  The ones that anyone on the outside would think “WTF?”  We laughed, we walked, we had fun.  And guess what?  IT ALL MADE ME FEEL MUCH BETTER!  We got home about an hour later and I made us dinner then we watched some T.V.   All in all, it was an awesome evening.  I think I feel things starting to shift, and I am greatful that this process seems to be moving along sooner than later because I know for a fact that Sarah and I are going to be friends someday.  I just hope that day is sooner than later because she and her friends are awesome people that I want to hang out with again.  I also know that I won’t be able to do that until I can be in the same room with Sarah and not care if a guy is hitting on her.  When I can do that, we can be friends.  Or when I can go get my haircut from her (she’s a hairstylist also) and it doesn’t drive me wild when she washes my hair / massages my head.  She doesn’t know it yet, but I plan to let her be my stylist when I’m at a point that it will just be a friend cutting a friends hair.

I know that I’ll get there, because my breakup with my then wife was WAY more difficult and I’m friends with her now.

Today is the beginning of Day 4, and waking up was not a big deal.  My first thought was brewing my pot of coffee and not Sarah.  I had a fleeting thought of her while getting ready for the day, but it was only that.  It wasn’t a longing for her like the first 11 days (Day 4 only refers to the 4th day of “radio silence” but today is actually the 12th day since our breakup).  I’m about to go work now, and I’m looking forward to diving in.  I have a lot of projects that have to get done, and get done soon.  I’m going to be crazy busy for the next month or so, but it’s a very good problem to have when you are self employed.  I’m looking forward to getting my work done and getting caught up so I can enjoy my summer plans (and afford them) with my son.

Wow – this ended up being crazy long (not what I intended when I sat down to write it).

Written by Muskrat37

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