They dynamics of breaking up

As I go through this process of breaking up with my girlfriend ex- girlfriend, I’m amazed at the dynamics involved.  I am aware of the conflict between the heart and mind, and this morning came to understand that it is when the heart and mind line up that you will have that final closure that allows you to move on.

For example – when I think back to my relationship with Sarah – the truth is that I’ve known for a couple of months now that we were going to break up.  I just didn’t want to acknowledge it.  Why not?  What stopped me?  Well, my rational at the time was that it was never a good time – but is it ever?  I think it might be.  My delaying our breakup (for various reasons) ended up with us both arriving at the same place at the same time and no hearts were broken.

The weird part is that even though I know that we were not right for each other and that we needed to break up – I miss the hell out of her.  I miss having her around, I miss texting her in the morning, I miss going to her house, I miss it all. Why this conflict?  How can I miss someone that I know was not the right match for the long haul?

I think the answer lies within.  I think the fact is that I was afraid to break up with her because I was afraid to be alone.  I told myself that I didn’t want to hurt her, and while that’s partially true, I think the reality is that I didn’t want to hurt myself.  You see – deep down, I thought I would magically morph into the fat, lazy, depressed guy that I was after my divorce.  Well guess what – I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to a point where I liked being single, where I enjoyed my freedom, where I was in amazingly good shape.  The reality is, that while I’m scared I will fall into my old habits and turn into this fat, lazy, depressed guy – I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.   The fact is – I’m not that guy anymore and I never will be again.  I have big plans (some of which are the reason I had to break up with Sarah) – and nothing is going to stop them from coming true.

I have begun the arduous task of eliminating my feelings for Sarah.  I have to, or I’ll never be able to hang out with her again and I really want to be her friend in the long run.  She’s an amazing woman, and while I’m sorry that our romantic relationship did not work out, I’m confident that our personal relationship will blossom into us being GREAT friends in the long run.  I just have to get through these tough days now.  I know I can do it.  There was a time when the thought of another man being with my ex wife made me sick to my stomach and would bring tears to my eyes.  I now could care less.  Based on this – I know that I’ll be able to be Sarah’s friend one day, and that I’ll be nothing but happy for her when she finds the love that we were both hoping to find with each other.

How am I eliminating the emotional connection to Sarah?  With a VERY strict 15 days of NO SARAH and NO WINE.  Just to be clear, the no wine rule applies if I’m home alone, feeling lonely, and missing Sarah – If I’m out with friends in a social setting – I see no issue with having a glass or 2 of wine.  I set the no wine rule because in all honesty, last week I drank a lot smoked a lot (marijuana) and was trying to just cover the hurt.  I started my 15 days because that was not working, it was not making me lose my feelings for Sarah or miss her any less.  It was doing the opposite – making me more reliant on her and wanting her around even more.

The last straw was when I went to hang out with my little sister and her boyfriend Rob for the weekend.  This was done under the guise of party all weekend and move on with my life.  What happened was we partied real hard and I woke up with a stupid tattoo on my leg!  And it’s not even a good one (sorry Rob – no disrespect man).  🙂

I talked about Sarah all weekend.  I’m sure I did it so much that it annoyed my lil sis – who was a trooper none the less.  Saturday was the harder partying day of the 2 (and the night I got the tattoo).  The tatoo was supposed to be a simple “TW” on my left quad.  “TW” would stand for “The Weekend” and be a reference to our crazy ass, forget Sarah and move on with your life, party weekend.  Instead I had the brilliant idea to do a full moon, symbolizing a new cycle, starting over etc.  The issue with this is that Sarah LOVES the moon.  In fact, the first time she told me she loved me is when were hanging out down by the water just being present under the full moon.  The reflection off the water, the moment, it was a very special moment.

So here I am on Sunday morning – with a shitty looking full moon on my leg.  Not exactly what I had in mind when I went to my sisters place to party all weekend and forget Sarah!  I do however think it’s very funny that I ended up with the 1 symbol on my leg that would make me think of Sarah every time I see it!  There’s something very ironic in that.

Anyways – back to my “how I’m eliminating my emotional connection (aka LOVE) to Sarah”.  I had a great conversation with one of the guests at my sisters place on Saturday.  She told me that it takes 15 days to break a habit (which in some ways love and an emotional connection to someone could be described as a habit).  I remembered reading or hearing something similar about that with regards to breaking up with someone.  Give it 15 days of NO CONTACT.  NO FACEBOOK, NO TEXTS – nothing.  Zip, Zilch, Nada.

Today is Day 2 – and I’m determined to have a Terrific Tuesday (back in the pre-Sarah days I used to give all the days of the week a positive name and tell myself in the morning, while brushing my teeth, that today was going to be a Terrific Tuesday (or Wonderful Wednesday) etc.))

Day 1 was a bit rough.  I started by beginning the arduous task of cleaning my house thoroughly.  I’ve been meaning to do this as I’ve let it get dirtier than ever the last few months.  Being in a relationship is time consuming and I’ve just kind of been barely doing enough cleaning to not live in a pig pen.

While I was cleaning – I would run across things that Sarah had given me.  I put them all away in the closet.  I moved all T-shirts she has given me to a corner in the closet where I won’t see them.  I removed the body wash she gave me (that I love and that she uses) and put it under the sink.  I refused to go on Facebook (I don’t want to accidentally read a post of hers – then click on her profile, then go through our old pictures of all the fun we had as I will just get lonely and miss her more).  I did not drink any wine last night, I went for a 30 mile bike ride, and I watched hockey playoffs.  I had a VERY productive day.

I had moments where I missed her – and I would just stop and ackownledge it – have a good little cry – then get up, and resume whatever task I was in the middle of.

Day 2 – so far so good.  I will admit that my first thought this a.m. was Sarah.  My mind kept drifting to Sarah last night as I lay there trying to go to sleep.  I forced myself to think about something else and was finally able to go to sleep.  I came to the realization that right before bed, and when I wake up are the worst times.  That’s when I want to shoot her a “good morning my darling” text (that’s what I called her).  I’m now part way into my day – and I know that this will be a good day.  I’m going to look up spin classes at the Y or go swimming.  I’m started with a 2 mile walk with the dog today (to clear my head of the lingering “Sarah” thoughts).

While I’m still amazed how it is that I can miss someone that I knew I had to break up with  – I now have an understanding that my mind and my heart are conflicted.  I’m determined to get them back into alignment so that I can move on with my life and ultimately meet the person that is right for me (in all ways, not just most ways) or live my life being a single, happy, succesful person that makes his dreams a reality.

Breakups suck, but they can also teach you so much about yourself!  I’m going to embrace this one, because as breakups go – I’m very fortunate to being breaking up with such an amazing woman.  Oh the Irony!

Written by Muskrat37

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